174.5

OMG. Yesterday during my workout I ran for two miles, for a total workout of 30 minutes. I’m not going to lie, it felt amazing. My new running shoes were so bouncy, and I felt like I was running on a cloud! The arch support felt a lot stronger as well; maybe about ten minutes into the run my arches started to feel like they might cramp up, but the feeling went away after I kept running. I was so sweaty afterwards, but it was worth it. Today I’m scheduled to do elliptical, which is lower impact but to be honest, not as much fun. Oh well.

I also downloaded Carmen Electra’s aerobic striptease DVDs. I was thinking I could experiment with those on top of my cardio workouts. I’m really excited about them to be honest. Not necessarily because I think they’ll be super hard workouts, but because I think it will be a fun way to pass some time not on my ass.

Soo…food today. I had the last of the pumpkin/chocolate muffins and an apple for breakfast. I had another tempeh burger for lunch, along with a nonfat sugarfree vanilla latte (tall). Then, one of the guys in our office had a birthday today and brought in a fruit tart from Whole Foods. I didn’t really want any, but had a small piece to be polite. It was delicious, but then again, everything from Whole Foods is delicious so that wasn’t really a surprise.

I’m trying really hard not to flip out about the food I eat. Just trying to eat “healthier” is enough I think. After all, I don’t want to count calories or restrict too much, even though I know I’m probably eating more than I should. Like I said, I just really want to focus on being healthy enough to exercise consistently. I’m young after all, and shouldn’t be too preoccupied with food as long as I’m not binging on prepackaged donuts, like I have been known to do.

175.5

Son of a bitch. Ha.

I'm not really surprised about the gain, because yesterday I ate quite a bit. 3 chocolate chip/pumpkin muffins that my mom made, and two veggie burgers, along with a piece of bread and peanut butter and a boatload of frozen grapes. It's the weekend, though, so what can you do?
I did do twenty minutes on the elliptical, though, so that was good.

Today I had another choc/pumpkin muffin and an apple for breakfast, and for lunch a tempeh burger and some tomato soup. Oh yeah, and a tall nonfat sugarfree vanilla latte from Starbucks. I'm also scheduled to do the tempo run today; I definitely did not get up early enough to do it before work. To be honest though, I'm really enjoying this whole exercise business, so I might do some elliptical after the run since the tempo runs are super short. We'll see.

My boyfriend (of 9 months) and I broke up yesterday. I know I should be feeling more depressed about it, but it feels more like a preoccupation than a true tragedy. I guess I'm just trying to focus on continuing to exercise consistently...and not stressing about other aspects of life.

174

Word.

175.5

I drank so much coffee today, it isn't even funny.

For breakfast I had two eggs, salsa, a bit of low-fat sour cream, and a piece of french bread...and an iced coffee. With a little bit of this organic mocha powder stuff mixed in. It was delicious, if slightly grainy.

For lunch I had one of McDonald's southwest chicken salads - but without the chicken. OMG I was so starving though, after the coffee. And in such a bad mood. I thought I was going to pass out from the caffeine. It's no wonder dieting sucks when you feel so shitty like that...ugh.

And then - more coffee. Tall nonfat latte.

For dinner we had vietnamese food, so I had veggies in curry. It was actually really good. The only not-so-healthy part was the thai iced tea that i had - but it was too delicious to pass up.

I've done two days of the running program so far, it's actually going much easier than I expected. I bought a new sports bra and running shoes as well, so I feel a little bit of motivation from that. I really think the key is just to make it a habit, so I'm keeping it light to begin with it.

Anyway, time to watch some Julian McMahon (mmmm).

176

Hmm…

So, today has gone relatively well so far. For breakfast I had a banana and a peanut butter granola bar. For lunch I had ¾ of a chipotle veggie burrito and a nonfat latte from Starbucks. For dinner I’m going out with a friend – she’s not too adventurous so I’ll probably be able to get a salad wherever we go.

This morning I wanted to make some hot chocolate SO BAD…but I figured that that would be an enormous waste of sugar/calories. So I didn’t. But trust me…the little packets were definitely calling.

My bike got a flat tire this morning, so I had to drive to work instead of ride. But that also means that I’ll hopefully get home relatively early, and maybe I can start my running program. Maybe a year and a half ago I started some personal training lessons at our local gym for softball, and she started me on a running program that got me to run/jog in at least a couple 5ks. She also set up other cardio options and a strength training routine as well. I think I’ll try to do the cardio program again. It wasn’t too painful and in the past I stuck with it for a decent amount of time.

Plus, the running program starts off really slow…only like five minutes at a time, which seems doable right now as opposed to a half an hour. The hope is that I can persuade myself to do five minutes now, and build a habit before I have to schedule larger amounts of time.

Of course, the real problem is that I truly despise exercise. Not even joking. And I’ve tried everything: reading, listening to music, watching TV. Regardless of what I do, I’m still counting down the minutes. Literally. I’ve even tried putting post-it notes over the clock so I can’t pay attention to the time. But that still doesn’t really help. I just can’t imagine ever enjoying exercise/its cathartic benefits when I’m constantly focused on the time. Blech.

In other news, the writing project that I’m working on finally got a decent start yesterday. Starting is definitely the hardest part of writing for me. With proper effort and revision I feel like my stuff can turn out pretty well, but it’s always that ideas that never seem good enough to me. Once I develop a decent outline though, I’ll be ready to rock and roll…that outline is giving me a bit of trouble, though.

Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Word.

Day 2 - 177

So...

Definitely feeling a lot less depressed after yesterday. I’m fairly certain that I’m premenstrual right now, which would explain a lot of the “I can’t stop eating chocolate” and the unusually large weight gain. I guess we’ll have to weight and see (ha! I’m so punny).

Anyway, today hasn’t gone terrifically but it hasn’t been horrible either. I didn’t get up and run this morning, but to be honest that was really wishful thinking. I really, really love to sleep. A lot. But hopefully I’ll do SOMETHING today…and I did ride my bike to and from work, which is close to an hour of riding. So I didn’t just sit on my ass.

For breakfast I stuck to the toast and banana plan. Lunch was a different story – I ate healthy food, just an enormous amount. We went to a breakfast place, and so I had a veggie skillet with potatoes, eggs, guacamole, and sprouts. It was…amazingly delicious. I also had two pieces of wheat toast.

Unfortunately, my co-worker bought everyone ice-cream sandwiches for an afternoon treat, and I felt obligated to eat mine. They were fairly small though, only 170 calories, which is decent for ice cream.

For dinner I’m probably going out with my boyfriend, so I’ll try to stick to salad. Then it will just be a reversal of lunch/dinner and the only mishap will be the ice cream sandwich.

In other news, I did manage to drink 64 oz of water today. It’s weird; I really don’t mind drinking water that much normally. I don’t drink very much soda at all, and I was always kind of stupefied over people who said they were “addicted to coke.” But, this summer I have had the hardest time drinking all my water. It makes me feel so bloated. Though today, I probably AM bloated. Whatever.

That’s pretty much all I have to say. I definitely need to start writing actual posts instead of just accounts of what I’ve eaten, but right now I’m far too lazy. Plus I have to pee again, with the water and all. Ha.

180

I am in desperate need of action. I am so ridiculously unhappy with my body...it's not even funny anymore. So...what to do. It seems that regardless of how much I want to change, in the moment I just can't. The past five days or so I've been completely out of control. I've never been this bad. And I'm back up to my highest weight ever.

Today I ate:

A tortilla with peanut butter and nutella
2 packages of peanut butter granola bars
Probably close to 25 hersheys kisses
Strawberry pop-tarts
6 oreos
A small caesar salad
A cup of tomato soup
Focaccia bread
Two huge glasses of diet coke
Two boca burgers with buns, cheese, ketchup
An ear of corn with butter and salt
A pack of trail mix

Holy shit, right? I know. I feel so sick right now.

I have 51 days until college starts. I'm going to commit to 51 days of relatively healthy eating and consistent exercise. Along with that comes a commitment to 51 days of blogging and daily weigh-ins. If after 51 days I don't see results or don't think they're worth it, then I can eat whatever I damn well please. But I have to give myself a chance right now, because this is ridiculous. I feel so out of control. Fuck!!

Ok...I need a tentative plan, at least for tomorrow. Something to stop this binge cycle in its track. I'll wake up, and do day 1 of the "30 minute running habit" (TDMRH). I'll have a banana for fuel, then ride my bike to work. I'll bring some toast for later. Lunch will be a salad, or the healthiest equivalent at the restaurant we choose. After work, sugar snap peas or plain bread will be the only snack. Dinner isn't a problem (my mom's a health nut).
I also need to drink more water to flush the system!!

But for now, time to sleep. Tomorrow will be better.