finals week

In the spirit of identifying triggers, I'd like to make a self-observation about schoolwork. 

I can't stay away from food when I'm doing homework/studying/writing papers. 

I'm currently supposed to be writing my final paper for my SOSC class, but instead all I can think about is eating food. The same thing happened last quarter during finals week...I churned out a great 6-page paper - all while consuming 3 bags of m&m's, and a package of hostess cupcakes from the vending machine. It seems like I could only keep writing if I was chewing at the same time. 

This is clearly not about the food - my  mind is preoccupied by writing, so I'm not even tasting the food. I've considered that it's a texture thing - the physical act of chewing - but honestly, I don't think that's really it. 

It feels like the food is a bargain with myself. I hate writing so much that I strike up a deal with myself - I'll do the writing, if I can constantly be rewarded with the food. 

Unfortunately, I'm a college student...I can't stop doing my homework. But I think I'm not exactly helping myself make paper-writing easier. I haven't been doing homework, or participating in discussions, or really being involved in class at all. I'm not going to blame myself for that, because I think depression counts as an extenuating circumstance. But next quarter I'm going to try harder to stay actively involved in my classes. Hopefully that will make writing final papers a little easier and I won't have to cajole myself with food in order to get the writing done. 

For now, though, I'm just trying to remember that I don't need chocolate to write my paper, and the paper will get written regardless of whether or not I have food along with it.  And, if worse comes to worse,  gum and hot cocoa are just as comforting without making me stuffed. 

starting work towards oblivion

So, I went to my intake appointment at the SCRS. 

Surprise! I'm officially depressed. 

I was kind of amazed though, just talking to the intake counselor for the fifteen minutes that I did already made me feel better...just to verbalize and admit my emotions was refreshing. At one point in time I was talking about Chris, and she said, "so it sounds like you were not only surprised that he had moved on, but also surprised that it affected you." I was like "yes! exactly! you understand, thank god!" It was just so unbelievably nice to have someone understand what I'm feeling. That emotional connection between people is something that I clearly have not been getting.

I have my first actual appointment on Monday. I'm not going to lie, I'm incredibly excited. I just have a lot of hope that therapy will be able to help me...which is nice, because it's been awhile since I've felt hope about anything. I am just so ready to get my life back on track...to start actually living instead of fucking around in my dorm room, worrying and being preoccupied with food and weight and not doing anything. 

I just have this overwhelming urge to start taking better care of myself. I suspect that that may have been partly a cause for the depression in the first place - poor health. 

Over winter break I read "Intuitive Eating" but I didn't really do anything with it. I'm currently mostly through "Fat is a Feminist Issue" and parts of it are really resonating with me. I'm just so tired of having to deal with my relationship with food. Other people can just eat - the whole "food as fuel" thing. I am constantly analyzing what I eat/don't eat/want to eat/can't eat/should eat, and I am so sick of it. That's not what my life should be about. 

Again, I have a feeling that my psychological issues and my body/weight issues are correlated. I think a couple things are at play. 

1. For whatever reason, I don't trust myself in social situations. I seem to have come to the conclusion that people don't like me, and therefore I don't make friends easily. 

2. Similarly, I have also come to the conclusion that boys will not be interested in me sexually. Since I don't consider myself to be physically attractive, I don't consider myself interesting/outgoing enough to offer anything else. 

I think I've always blamed my social and/or romantic issues on my weight - girls don't want to be friends with me because I'm fat, and boys won't be interested in me because I'm not attractive. Which is awful, but I think the real issue is that I'm petrified of the alternative - that it's not actually my weight that's the problem. I'm actually deficient. 

Thus, by remaining overweight, I'll never have the chance to find out that people don't like me.