starting work towards oblivion

So, I went to my intake appointment at the SCRS. 

Surprise! I'm officially depressed. 

I was kind of amazed though, just talking to the intake counselor for the fifteen minutes that I did already made me feel better...just to verbalize and admit my emotions was refreshing. At one point in time I was talking about Chris, and she said, "so it sounds like you were not only surprised that he had moved on, but also surprised that it affected you." I was like "yes! exactly! you understand, thank god!" It was just so unbelievably nice to have someone understand what I'm feeling. That emotional connection between people is something that I clearly have not been getting.

I have my first actual appointment on Monday. I'm not going to lie, I'm incredibly excited. I just have a lot of hope that therapy will be able to help me...which is nice, because it's been awhile since I've felt hope about anything. I am just so ready to get my life back on track...to start actually living instead of fucking around in my dorm room, worrying and being preoccupied with food and weight and not doing anything. 

I just have this overwhelming urge to start taking better care of myself. I suspect that that may have been partly a cause for the depression in the first place - poor health. 

Over winter break I read "Intuitive Eating" but I didn't really do anything with it. I'm currently mostly through "Fat is a Feminist Issue" and parts of it are really resonating with me. I'm just so tired of having to deal with my relationship with food. Other people can just eat - the whole "food as fuel" thing. I am constantly analyzing what I eat/don't eat/want to eat/can't eat/should eat, and I am so sick of it. That's not what my life should be about. 

Again, I have a feeling that my psychological issues and my body/weight issues are correlated. I think a couple things are at play. 

1. For whatever reason, I don't trust myself in social situations. I seem to have come to the conclusion that people don't like me, and therefore I don't make friends easily. 

2. Similarly, I have also come to the conclusion that boys will not be interested in me sexually. Since I don't consider myself to be physically attractive, I don't consider myself interesting/outgoing enough to offer anything else. 

I think I've always blamed my social and/or romantic issues on my weight - girls don't want to be friends with me because I'm fat, and boys won't be interested in me because I'm not attractive. Which is awful, but I think the real issue is that I'm petrified of the alternative - that it's not actually my weight that's the problem. I'm actually deficient. 

Thus, by remaining overweight, I'll never have the chance to find out that people don't like me.